Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Coming home... to a different address

I haven't been here for a very long time. Since the middle of November, in fact. New blogger software. All kinds of changes. Like the rest of my life.

What I found really funny were the last few comments left on my long lost post by some random nitwits. One was spewing off whatever stream of consciousness rant they decided to rip off from someone who might have been an amazingly creative and intelligent person... but the bitterness and self-righteousness end up making them sounding like a blathering idiot. (Does that make me sound bitter and self-righteous? LOL)

While I was scrolling down, one of the last lines at the bottom caught my eye.

"This is typical of the positioning of the gods. It's crucial that you begin to think correctly."

I didn't bother wasting my time with the rest of it, but that one line was amazingly relavant to me. It's crucial that you begin to think correctly. I'd realized that my vision had been a bit blurred. Much of it was my own doing.

I'd allowed myself to become stuck. I was stuck in a job that had nothing going for it other than a continuing paycheck. I was stuck in a drinking and partying rut that had left me bloated and unattractive. I was stuck in an emotional state that was dragging me down (and most of you know what a happy-go-lucky and smiley person I usually am).

I'm making changes. My job was the first. I'm a full time, permanent employee at my company. I work with a great group of guys. And I'm not using the figurative mode of the word - I'm the only woman in my department, but I'm treated as one of the guys. I get the same respect and abuse as anyone else. I feel like I fit in. Completely.

I've stopped the constant partying. I drink much less than I used to. I'm getting back to doing things I like but didn't have time for when I was out in the bar all the time. I think I'm going this weekend to buy a new fishing pole. Yup, a fishing pole. (There's a sale - yay!) I went a few times at the end of last summer and I remembered how much I used to enjoy it. I have several friends that love to go sit on the beach and enjoy the day while waiting for "the big one" to bite. I love being outside, enjoying the sun. I haven't done that much lately.

I'd gotten out of playing poker because my mind and my mood didn't allow me to play well. I wasn't focused, especially after a few beers or the effects of too many the night before. I'm playing really good poker now. Over the last two or three months, I've dominated the home games I've played in. Both guys from work and friends. One of my co-workers covered my nameplate with a post-it with "Annie Duke" written on it. My next test will be to hit AC and test the waters there. See if I'm really back on track or if I'm just in a lucky streak.

I'm still working on some of my other problems. I'll be going back to THE DIET soon. That will pretty much kill any of my remaining drinking. I need to begin feeling good about myself again. About how I look. About how I think other people perceive me. About what I've accomplished in life and where I'm going. This is going to be my focus for a while. I need to become me again, because I think I lost a lot of that along the way.

It's like moving to a new house. You bring a lot of your old stuff with you, but you're not going to want to bring that torn-up old chair or your collection of one-socks that you can't find the mates for. Not everything gets thrown out, but you need to find what's going to work best for you and go with it. Moving is good... it gets you to clean out the basement. And anyone who's ever been in the basement of my house knows that I just drug everything along. I think it's time to sort through what I have and put things in order.